Feelings related to vaginismus and pain during sex
If you're not able to have intercourse without experiencing pain, this can raise all sorts of emotions. Not just for the women, but also with the partners. Below, I describe the most common feelings, because I hope that through this recognition, you will realize that you are not the only one experiencing these feelings.
The emotions regarding not being able to have intercourse can have a huge impact on your daily life. Feelings of loneliness, because you're afraid to share this with another person, perhaps not even with your husband. Shame, failure. The feeling that you are not complete as a woman, because you're not capable of doing something you think everyone else is capable of. Fear because of a possible physical problem, or a serious cause, not knowing what it is. Fear of not being good enough for your husband. You can also start to feel very uncomfortable around company, when people are talking openly about sex. You might think that you're only one with these kind of feelings and thoughts, but I hear them from women with vaginismus all the time.
The partner's emotions
During the years I have been coaching women with vaginismus, I've spoken with many partners. Often together with their wives, sometimes alone. During these conversations, we talked about their feelings. It appeared that the vaginismus had a tremendous impact on the men as well. They told me they were often ashamed towards others, because they weren't having intercourse. They also felt sad and powerless, because they couldn't share this type of intimacy with their wives. Many men mentioned feelings of fear. That they were not sure whether they were good enough, sexually attractive, or a good lover. Sometimes, they were also angry and frustrated, because others were having intercourse, and they were not. Some of them were afraid to talk about the subject, because they didn't want to hurt their wife's feelings.
Surprised about the feelings regarding vaginismus?
It's possible that you are surprised about the men's thoughts and feelings. Many of them are similar to those of the women with vaginismus. Do you know what kind of feelings your husband has, regarding vaginismus? Sharing these feelings can help you understand each other. You both have the same goal: to be able to enjoy intercourse.
Would you like to read more about the feelings that play a role in vaginismus? In my book "How to overcome your vaginismus", you can find more experiences regarding other women's feelings. In chapter 8, you can discover what effect your thoughts, feelings, and actions have on possibly sabotaging, or moreover, on realizing what it takes to overcome your vaginismus.
Jacqueline van de Bilt, Alphen aan den Rijn The Netherlands (+31) (0)6-49088912 firstname.lastname@example.org