Vaginismus? Silence or openness to a new partner Blog
When do you say something about your experience with sex?
"It's not possible." "I can't have intercourse." "I can't have sex."
When do you say this? On the first date? Before you have sex?
Marijke comes for the fourth meeting in my coaching practice for vaginismus and pain during sex. She is cheerful and enthusiastic. She met a nice man. She's been on a few dates with him and thinks things could get serious. He will come to her on Saturday. She's going to cook for him and then ... "What should I do and say?" said Marijke somewhat nervously. "Do I have to say something?"
I regularly hear: "I'm not going to say it." "What will he think."
Sometimes I hear: "I think it's super scary, but I'm going to say it. He needs to know where he stands. Hope he likes me enough."
Very occasionally I hear: "Maybe I don't have to say anything, because what if it works with this man."
Marijke and I discussed what would be nice for her to say. We came to a beautiful sentence that made her feel good. Which was true, but would not immediately tell everything in detail.
It's hard to tell you have vaginismus. Perhaps it would be better not to say it so directly.
A few options: • I've never had intercourse. • I don't have much experience with intercourse yet. • I like sex and enjoy it. I have no or less pleasant experiences with intercourse. • I enjoy sex. It has been a while since the penetration was nice.
Consider what you say that everyone can give it a different meaning.
For example, "I can't have sex." What does that mean for him? What impression do you leave behind? Do you not like sexual acts at all? Is that what you want to say? Be sure to let him know what you love and like. (at least if this is the case) Then he will get a more complete picture of you and your sexuality.
Marijke texted me on Monday morning. "Had a good response. It was very nice and pleasant. Just a little while longer for the rest. Was no problem for him. I know I will succeed, because I have already achieved so much. Thank
Jacqueline van de Bilt, Alphen aan den Rijn The Netherlands (+31) (0)6-49088912 firstname.lastname@example.org