Effect of focus on solution instead of causes of your vaginismus
No solution without causes?
How much time have you spent looking for the causes?
How often do you tell yourself you can't have intercourse?
For years I've been looking for the causes of my vaginismus. Knowing the causes would provide the solution, I thought at the time.
For years I said to myself, but also to my partners: "Yes I like sex, but I cannot have intercourse. Nothing can get into my vagina. ” I had experienced this and back then I knew for sure.
Both social workers, doctors and my partners agreed with my beliefs. The focus remained on the search for causes.
With my then boyfriend (now husband) this changed. He said, "You can't have intercourse yet. What do you need to be able to do it?" My first reaction was, "Why do you think you know better." "You have no idea what this problem entails." "I'm really not going to try again, because it won't work anyway." I completely resisted.
This didn’t last long. His loving approach got me thinking.
What did I need to be able to open my vagina?
Slowly it dawned on me that focusing on the cause and thus the problem had not helped me. Finding out some of the causes wouldn't have gotten me to figure out how to fix it. It hadn't literally made me more open, as I had always thought.
The special thing is and was. It seems like a very difficult question: what do you need to be able to open your vagina to allow a finger/penis in? But women, in my coaching practice, just like me then, give very important, practical answers to this question.
With the help of those answers, we create a step-by-step plan together. To the surprise of many women, they successfully go through this plan. Have intercourse with pleasure as part of their entire sex life.
Do you focus on the problem, the cause or the solution?
Jacqueline van de Bilt, Alphen aan den Rijn The Netherlands (+31) (0)6-49088912 firstname.lastname@example.org