Can harsh, sexual words cause vaginismus? Blog
The cause of vaginismus?
I, myself, never use "harsh" sexual words during my coaching, when it's about sex. It doesn't fit me or my way of coaching. I think sex can and may definitely be lustful, but with respect for each others body, boundaries, and desires.
What kind of thoughts do you have with these sentences?
· “I'm going to ram it in”
· “I'll fuck you senseless”
· “I banged her”
When I heard these kinds of words, I thought: "That sounds horrible, so I won't let that happen to me." My brain and body took this thought literally, and my vagina completely cramped up. This is where one of the causes for my vaginismus arose. And I'm not the only one.
But what is the actual meaning of these harsh sentences? Because the literal meaning of these sentences don't give most women a feeling of "that sounds wonderful, I would like that." So that can't be it, right?
"Go faster"
I discovered this after I was already able to have intercourse. One day, we were making love, and it lead to intercourse. I felt good, and I said: "Go faster." He paused for a moment, and then started to move in and out my vagina a bit faster. The thought arising from the sensations I felt was: "Hey, this does feel really good." It was easier for me to stick to all of the sensations I felt. Everything in my head fell silent, and there were no thoughts left, only good sensations.
Sharing feelings
Until that moment, I only wanted slow and soft movements, because I liked it to be tender. And my thought was that I wanted to have sex with my husband that way. But being surprised, I shared my revelation with my husband. I said: "Going in and out faster feels really good and pleasant. So that is what they mean by ramming."
I shared my experience with a friend, and I told her I shouldn't have taken the sentences so literally. That it is a kind of bragging. Because normally, the man you have sex with, cares about you. He will want to treat you with respect, and he wants you to enjoy yourself. This was one of my biggest breakthroughs to let go of my belief that intercourse wasn't enjoyable.
Whenever it's appropriate, I share this story during the coaching. I see the women recognize it. They too had made the wrong associations regarding intercourse. They realized that at that point, it wasn't possible to have intercourse yet. But when all the conditions are met, intercourse can be very pleasant and enjoyable.
In my book, "How to overcome your vaginismus - Change your sexual experience from painful to pleasant", you can find an entire chapter about the different beliefs that can be (part of) the cause of your vaginismus.
This blog has been written for the website gezondtotaal.nl.
What kind of thoughts do you have with these sentences?
· “I'm going to ram it in”
· “I'll fuck you senseless”
· “I banged her”
When I heard these kinds of words, I thought: "That sounds horrible, so I won't let that happen to me." My brain and body took this thought literally, and my vagina completely cramped up. This is where one of the causes for my vaginismus arose. And I'm not the only one.
But what is the actual meaning of these harsh sentences? Because the literal meaning of these sentences don't give most women a feeling of "that sounds wonderful, I would like that." So that can't be it, right?
"Go faster"
I discovered this after I was already able to have intercourse. One day, we were making love, and it lead to intercourse. I felt good, and I said: "Go faster." He paused for a moment, and then started to move in and out my vagina a bit faster. The thought arising from the sensations I felt was: "Hey, this does feel really good." It was easier for me to stick to all of the sensations I felt. Everything in my head fell silent, and there were no thoughts left, only good sensations.
Sharing feelings
Until that moment, I only wanted slow and soft movements, because I liked it to be tender. And my thought was that I wanted to have sex with my husband that way. But being surprised, I shared my revelation with my husband. I said: "Going in and out faster feels really good and pleasant. So that is what they mean by ramming."
I shared my experience with a friend, and I told her I shouldn't have taken the sentences so literally. That it is a kind of bragging. Because normally, the man you have sex with, cares about you. He will want to treat you with respect, and he wants you to enjoy yourself. This was one of my biggest breakthroughs to let go of my belief that intercourse wasn't enjoyable.
Whenever it's appropriate, I share this story during the coaching. I see the women recognize it. They too had made the wrong associations regarding intercourse. They realized that at that point, it wasn't possible to have intercourse yet. But when all the conditions are met, intercourse can be very pleasant and enjoyable.
In my book, "How to overcome your vaginismus - Change your sexual experience from painful to pleasant", you can find an entire chapter about the different beliefs that can be (part of) the cause of your vaginismus.
This blog has been written for the website gezondtotaal.nl.
Book "How to overcome your vaginismus"
Jacqueline van de Bilt |
""Jacqueline van de Bilt shows something extraordinary with this book. Not only is she an experience expert, but she's also the professional rising above that. She points out that with vaginismus, body and mind go together, and that looking for a cause is often not that relevant. This makes it a practical book, above all. In a clear way, without being didactic, she encourages women to come to a solution, step by step." More reviews
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Jacqueline van de Bilt,
Alphen aan den Rijn The Netherlands (+31) (0)6-49088912 info@sunniva.nl |